i lost my phone..gasp!

Something happended a couple days ago that really spun me for a loop. I am a very self-aware person, always aware of myself and what is going on around me. I am also forgetful, unorganized most of the time, and when I feel overwhelmed I procrastinate on almost everything. It takes A TON of effort to stay on top of my day-to-day life. This is my world living with depression, anxiety, Insomnia, PTSD, and ADHD. If you didn’t know me you would never look at me and pin me as someone who struggles. I hide it well.

So here’s what happened. I LOST MY PHONE. Now, I know that sounds like nothing, but in the moment it was EVERYTHING. My phone is my livelihood (unfortunately), just like it is for almost everyone. I use my phone to conduct business daily, it’s how I stay in contact with my son’s school, it’s what I use in an emergency, it’s how I get directions to new places and new faces. Like I said, it’s my livelihood.

Why is this event significant? Because my reaction to losing my phone was typical for someone like me. I went into panic mode, searching everywhere. I looked in every nook and cranny I could think of trying to find the damn thing.

My mind started racing, and my heart started beating out of my chest.

“What if……?” Those are the two words running through my head over and over again. What if my client is already waiting for me in the lobby? What if someone from work is trying to contact me? What if the girls are worried about me because I’m not there yet? What if I get fired? You get the picture.

You see, as soon as I realized my phone was gone I also realized I had to leave for work in 10 minutes. My drive to work is a good 25 minutes so I knew if I didn’t find it ASAP I would be in some serious shit with my first client of the day. What was even worse - I had no way of contacting anyone to let them know I was running late, or to reschedule (or, so I thought). I’ll leave it to you to decide other ways I could have found my phone very quickly and easily if I wasn’t in such a panic. Que the eye roll emoji.

WARNING! THE NEXT FEW SENTENCES ARE HARD TO SWALLOW.

I was also thinking:

• I SUCK!

• I HATE MYSELF!

• WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!!

• MY CLIENT IS GOING TO HATE ME, AND NEVER WANT TO WORK WITH ME AGAIN.

• THE GIRLS AT WORK ARE GOING TO THINK I AM SO STUPID!

Ugh. Here’s the thing, I found my phone two minutes before my scheduled appointment, called my client, rescheduled for later in the day, and everything was fine. Can you guess where the stupid thing was? Yep! Hiding in plain site on a chair in my bedroom. I am not kidding. Right out in the open, staring me in the face. I left for work still upset, but relieved that I could start my day.

My reaction to losing my phone was quite normal, especially since I rely heavely on my phone for business, but the negative thoughts about myself as a person are absolutely not ok. I share this story because I want to reach other women out there who may be struggling in business and who may be having the same thoughts and feelings about themselves. I want you to know that I see you. I am you.

I am a perfectionist. My clients love it, but I KNOW this is not a good thing. Perfectionism is motivated by my fear of how others might percieve me. I have an unrealistic standard and ideal that I put on myself internally, unable to let go of past experiences and traumas that may have helped mold me this way. I know this about myself because like I said in the beginning, I am very self aware.

Here’s the good news: Self awareness is the first step to healing in my opinion. If I can’t recognize my own weaknesses how will I ever be able to heal and grow into the AMAZING woman that I know deep down that I am? If you’re anything like me, you also know your own internal struggles. You know how these limitations can hinder your ability to do amazing work. But, you are also self aware. You are determined to not let the demons win, and you will stop at nothing to grow into your own incredible self.

I found an interesting article written by Bianca Barret with Forbes.com. Biance is a senior contributor and writes about women in business and the struggles that surround them. This article is jam packed full of reasons why women struggle financially in business, and more importantly, tools we can use to overcome our negative mindset. These tools are all finacially based, but I believe we can use these same tools in other areas of our lives.

Here are a few from the article:

• FORGIVE YOURSELF. Whatever shame you are holding onto for the mistakes you have made in your life need to be released.

• MAKE AN INVENTORY: Take note of all the negative beliefs you have (get specific), take note of the belief systems that were taught to you as a child. This is where your self awareness comes in. The goal is to get a clear picture of your limiting beliefs, and to let go of the ones that don’t serve you.

• REINFORCE THE POSITIVES: Affirmations are a powerful tool that we all know about, but probably need to be reminded to use daily. Rephrase those negative thoughts into powerful, positive statements. This is one I think about quite often. “I’ll never be as good of a web designer as she is.” I change it to “I’m on my way to becoming a great designer, just like she is.”

More ways to overcome negative thoughts:

• HANG AROUND POSITIVE PEOPLE: I have no qualms about getting rid of the toxic people in my life. My tribe is full of positive light and energy.

• DON’T EXPECT EVERYTHING TO BE PERFECT: Reach for the stars, but don’t put a timeline on it, and definately don’t beat yourself up about any shortcomings that may happen.

• BREATHE: I use this one daily. It works.

• MORNING ROUTINE: This is one of my favorites! My friend Mel Robbins is always talking about her morning routine. Waking up and getting the day started right is all about YOU, not what is going on at work, or being on your phone. Get outside, go for a walk, do some yoga, or meditate.

• BE INTENTIONAL: I love this one too! I use this A LOT! My drive to work is jam packed with intentional thoughts like “I am having a great morning.” “The sun is shining, and it’s so gorgeous outside.” “I am a great designer, and I am going to kill it today.”

There are so many more ways to change your attitude, change your negative thoughts, and to change your mindset. I know how difficult this can be. Trust me, I have been working on it for 13 years! No joke! But I really do believe that if I can do it so can you.

I want to share one more thing. Writing has been super theraputic for me. This blog has helped me in more ways than I could have ever hoped. One of the ways I started to make sense of all the things swirling around inside my head was to record myself when I was having an episode so to speak. I would cry all of my thoughts into my phone. I then thought about it for a long time and decided to write them down. I eventually started blogging in a more intentional way in hopes of reaching someone out there who might need a virtual hug. So, this is me GIVING YOU THE BIGGEST HUG I POSSIBLY CAN!

I’ll end here for now. Thank you taking the time to read my blog and I hope that in some way you have been inspired to make a change, be more positive, and to grow in life and business.

“The actions you take are determined by your belief system, and at least 85% of your belief system is subconscious – which means you are literally unaware of it,” -Polly Alexandre, Success and Transformation Coach